Sunday, 12 July 2009

Full Blown Recap....

I feel like I want to explode but I held it inside in defeat.


Perasaan itu kembali sekian lamanya kerana adik yang lama menjauhi keluarga berhijrah kenegara orang dan dalam diam mendirikan rumahtangga begitu saja bagai tiada berkeluarga menganggu kehidupan ini. Kehidupan yang bersusah payah ku lindungi dari sindiran dan cemuhan keluarga Ayah dan keluarga tiriku.

Sememangnya kami dibelakangi oleh keluarga besar… Hanya kerana Ibu adalah isteri kedua.

Dalam perkara ini tiada siapa yang boleh dipersalahkan. Itu cerita lama tapi seperti baru kerana tidak seseorang pun membenarkan kami lupa terutama Ibu. In silence Mom thought me a lot of things; untuk banyak mengalah dalam banyak hal termasuk mendapat kasih sayang seorang Ayah. Hinggakan aku mejadi orang yang keras, pendiam dan not letting anyone into this heart namun masih mampu kalah dan menurut akan orang tua.

Namun perangai adikku yang satu ini selau saja ingin mencuba kesabaran ku. Aku mengalah dengan namanya Ibu. Aku mengalah kerna aku tahu dimata Ibu adikku terpernah salah; semuanya betul. Tapi kali ini betul kah dia? Berdosa kah aku? Cemburukah aku? Berkira kah aku?

Demi Allah aku tak pernah menyesal akan apa yang ku korbankan kerna itulah tanggungjawab and amanah yang diberikan sebelum sepeninggalan Ayah untuk menjaga and melindungi as any anak sulung akan buat.

Ku akui pada mulanya memang payah sedangkan diri ini pada waktu itu masih mentah. Terpaksa ku kerjakan jua berdiri sendiri memandangkan tiada yang dapat diharap; harta warisan sekali pun tidak kami tuntut. Dalam diam aku setuju dengan Ibu, harta yang paling berharga telah meninggalkan kami buat selamanya. Lagipun kami masih bersyukur kerna masih ada a roof above our heads. A place to call home. Hak milik Ibu.

Ku ucapkan kepada mereka yang banyak memberi support and a lot of guidance for young girl fresh out of high school to stand tall on her own two feet.

When girls at my age at the time would be hanging out with friends, having fun or wasting their life on stupid things, thinking of college opportunities etc. I was busting tables as a waitress from sunrise to midnight. Itulah kenangan kerja pertama ku. Hanya dengan kelulusan yang tak seberapa; kerja itulah yang mampu ku raih namun ku tetap bersyukur.

In truth it wasn’t that bad; sure I couldn’t feel both of my feet since it gone numb from standing a long period of time but there is where I learnt the reality of the world. Those who I thought were my friends left me just because I didn’t have time for them or because different interests and situation. Tapi walau aku kehilangan banyak teman tapi disana aku mendapat teman-teman baru. Teman-teman seperkerjaan berlainan bangsa dan negara. I’ve also gained new friends from those who come in to the shop for a cup of coffee.

It is start and beginning of everything in my life. Though, it’s been years that I am no longer working there but that it brought me a lot of wonderful and some sad memories. I still go there whenever I can but not as a worker but a customer getting good cup of coffee. Lol!

Growing up too fast too soon was never a big issue for me because deep inside that girl is still here in quiet slumber.

To me I was always a daughter, a big sister, a lover, a friend or an employee first. It was always others first upon me. It was never me. AKU!!!

~To be Continue~

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

You Learn By Heart


Music to every song, every lyric of every word are significant to those listening to it.It can bring you to different places of your body, mind and soul…

Memories.. That’s one place that it can bring you too…

Things that make you cry and then laugh when you hear the melody and harmony that you learn by heart; something or someone you remember. May it be happy or sad…

I'm just remembering....

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Tears Flows

I closed my eyes but I just couldn’t sleep and with my brother and his friends making a racket in his room next door doesn’t help me either way.

I wish now that school opens so I could kick him out to boarding school!

I tried to calm myself to sleep by listening to slow music but I end up more open wide and it got me thinking. All of a sudden I started crying silently. This is crazy! I scolded myself being like this. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m just tired from the heavy workload I had today. But I can’t make that as an excuse. Kerja adalah tanggungjawab kita, as much stress it’s given you to just need to suck it up and do it. But masih normal lagi kalau kita nak merungut and mengeluh.

I woke up late today but I expected that much from last night I was still up at 3am.

It’s raining again today but it’s ok cause today I had my ‘popia pisang’ that I’ve been craving! Lol! It’s sweet and delicious covered with honey! Yum yum!!

I’m half way done ngan kerja but I have to push it through so everything will run smoothly.

I badly need a break!!! I need to get away from work, July comes too slow….

I don’t care if I don’t go overseas; just as long as I’m in resting mood.

I need some hibernating time!! Lol!!

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Happy Thoughts

I'm thinking of happy thoughts to get me through it all. taking deep breaths every now and then and get back to my heavy workload. and yet, my mind is clouded as the weather today; it's going to rain yet again. But today, I welcomed it to shy away this sad, day dreaming face.

Where's the slap patrol where you need then you get you through the day without wasting time.

Most of my work are done... But I'm still not satisfy enough with the progress. I need to re-do things here and there.

Thursday, 25 June 2009


I'm in a "deep sink" right now thinking about what i should do with my outstanding overdues. The cursed four letter word just came out of my mouth; there's no one to blame but myself but still i just feel like cursing. Just my way of telling myself that i'll get through this: i don't know how but i will.

It's a time like this that i'm wishing to have someone to lean on. Not about money but will be a good bonus if the help is given. I'm talking more on having someone to talk to besides talking with air and wallpappered wall in my room. *sigh*

I have to do something about this. There's more to life than moping around and thinking of something you don't have and just wishing. (I can't help it though: I'm only human!)